Me and Two Naked Women

My wife, G, and her girlfriend, B, were going out one day to meet their other girlfriend, J, to have a few drinks to celebrate J’s birthday. G told me that they were going to their then favorite haunt, a margarita bar at Sunset Station, in Henderson, NV. G and B were leaving home separately, as was J, and were supposed to meet up there. Off she went.

About three hours later, I got a call on my cell phone from B’s phone. When I answered it, I could hear the typical casino sounds of coins dropping in trays, and slot machine working in the background. What I also heard was a garbled, slurring voice that said nothing intelligible, followed by a hangup. I figured it was the girls, so I tried calling G on her cell phone. When the phone was answered, I once again heard the sounds of a casino, but no one actually spoke into the phone, and it abruptly hung up.

I figured that that ladies had had a bit too much to drink, and were trying to call me for a ride home, so off I went to the casino.

When I arrived at the casino, the girls were nowhere to be found. At this point I tried calling B on her cellphone. She finally answered, and informed me that plans had changed, and that they were at a bar at one of the sister casinos on Boulder Highway. Off I go.

When I arrived at the other casino, I found G and B at the bar. J had never arrived, so G and B had been drinking margaritas, and had struck up a conversation with two guys at the bar. One of the guys was drinking mudslides, and G mentioned that she had never tried one. The gent then offered to buy her one…or five. By the time I got there, G was taking a little nap at the bar, and there was no way I would be able to get her to the car under her own power. I told B to stand by while I tracked down Security to procure a wheelchair to get G to the car.

After getting the wheelchair, I gently picked up G and placed her in it, and wheeled her to the exit, B in tow. Since we we not allowed to take the wheelchair into the parking lot, I told B to stay with G until I could bring G’s car around.

When I got back to where I had left the girls, the wheelchair was still there, but the girls were nowhere to be found. After some searching, I was approached by a female security guard, who asked me if I was looking for “two slightly intoxicated women.” I told her I was, and she took me to the ladies restroom, and helped B get G out of there. I finally got both girls in the car and headed home.

On the way, I heard gurgling noises in the back seat. B was back there, and was a little more intoxicated than I first thought. G is a BIG Barbie™ fan, and one of her prized possessions is a denim jacket that has Barbie™ and Ken™ embroidered on the back. B was busy losing what little she had to eat, and most of what she had to drink into a makeshift container that was G’s jacket.

Now G and B have been close friends for the better part of two decades, and have an almost mystical bond, so it was no surprise that soon after B started tossing her cookies, G started to do the same. I hurried home as fast as I could.

Once home, I managed to get both girls stripped down, cleaned up, and in bed. I threw their clothes into the washer, and started cleaning up G’s car (thank goodness the seats were leather, and the mats were rubber). This was interrupted occasionally by one or the other or both of the girls needing help crawling to and from the bathroom. Neither seemed to care that they were naked as the day they were born, and I certainly didn’t mind.

Now B’s husband S was supposed to come by later, and we were all supposed to go out for dinner. I called him and explained that dinner would probably have to be postponed until a later date, as the girls were currently in bed and naked. S said that he would be right over.

S and I spent the next couple of hours waiting for the girls to wake up. S said that the next time the girls celebrated a birthday, he’d be happy to pick them up.

...And This Is Why We Drink™